Clubbin’ NYC

You can picture it, right? Me in a pair of shiny shoes. A popped collar. Bathed in some douchy cologne. Name dropping while standing behind the velvet ropes, trying to impress the doorman to let me and my posse in the club where I get a corner table and order bottle service like a Ukranian pimp, before showing off my cutting edge moves on the dance floor.

If you really know me, you probably just laughed into convulsions or vomited hysterically. Maybe that’s not me, and maybe that’s why I never went to the Greenhouse. And now I never will. That’s because the Greenhouse is closing down. It happens all the time for night clubs, but the significance here is that the Greenhouse was home to the Chris Brown/Drake bottle throwing melee that left shards of glass in wily NBA Frenchman Tony Parker’s eyeball. Sacre Blue!

If you’re like me and losing touch with vapid youth culture, you’re asking who the fuck are Chris Brown and Drake? And why should we care? According to Wikipedia, instant information gratification central, Chris Brown is a rapper/dancer/actor. All I ever knew about him is that he beat up his girlfriend Rihanna. Class act. But apparently he’s been on songs with other rappers, was in the movie Stomp the Yard, AND was on an episode of The Suite Life With Zack and Cody. Gangsta!

Drake is a Canadian Rapper/Actor. Apparently Canadians don’t dance eh! Drake, much like Brown, has been on songs with other rappers, but neither Wikiresume offered a specific song of their own to identify them by. Hmmmm. AND Drake was in Degrassi: The Next Generation, which was a spin off of Degrassi High.

So what this really comes down to is a battle between Disney Channel and Nickelodeon teen savants for who gets to be the baddest of the bad boys. What’s next? The boy band bitch slap fest between Ricky Martin and Lance Bass over who’s wearing the gayest shoes? Makes you miss the days of weaselly Axl Rose calling out Micky Rourke over Carre Otis. Get in the Ring!

Of course that’s the real reason for this brawl in the first place. Drake and Chris Brown were fighting over Rihanna. Now I don’t know much about Rihanna, and I’m not going to look her up, because, I am NOT a journalist. The opinions presented here are expressly mine, superior to yours, and facts are loosely based on how I want to portray myself at any given moment. Besides, I know Rihanna actually does have a singing career, because her song has been played literally EVERYWHERE for the last four months. How else would I have heard it 335,022 times? I don’t listen to the radio or watch MTV, but I’m subjected to it in stores and clubs almost constantly. Or at least I was, I think the hype has finally died.

The story of the Gouging at the Greenhouse refuses to die because Tony Parker has filed a $20 million dollar lawsuit over his injury and claims he won’t be playing in the Olympics, changing the Vegas odds of a French gold medal from 10,000 to 1 to Infinity.

This Greenhouse place just sounded like a real vortex of douchebaggery. Created under the guise of being “green”, it was supposedly powered by wind and the urinals were piped upstate for treatment and filtration then recycled as drinking water for the Jersey Shore. I just hope they got the Grey Goose bottle glass out of Tony’s eye and melted it back down. The Greenhouse is LEED certified, which means someone dropped a fat stack of Benjamins on the desk of the head NYC’s DEQ SOB. I give that all the credibility of when a business points out they are BBB certified. If you’ve ever noticed, the ones that make a point of telling you this are the sketchiest businesses you’ve ever run across.

If you’re coming to New York soon, don’t fret over the closing of the Greenhouse. There’s no shortage of velvet rope ringed STD factories with $20 covers and a guy with a laptop pushing the play button on music made by someone else while you try and buy $20 Malibu and Diet Cokes for your next booty call.

But when the bottles start to fly you better duck.

As my dad likes to say, “Nothing good happens after midnight.”

But I think mom knew best when she said, “That’s what happens when you hang out with douchebags.”


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