Who 2: Respect My Authoritah

Back to food, because I think about food alot, and there’s a little issue I have with regional variations. This becomes why I need something to give me some reassurance that I will generally think things are okay, such as Swedes in IKEA. Now I don’t want to go all Yelp on everybody and start personally dissing individual restaurants, because Yelpers generally tend to be spiteful and when one wrong thing happens, they give a place a horrible review. That being said, I went to a local place in Williamsburg that specializes in, oh, I don’t know what you call it, maybe, Redneck food? It’s fried – chicken, catfish, french fries. The place is always packed with hipsters, which probably is why I want to hate it, but even more so, it was really expensive considering it was just fried redneck food.

So here I am, I finally got a job, and I’ve been working my ass off. Literally. I’ve hardly had time to eat and I’ve been having food dreams and been waking up delirious in a drool pool craving pounds upon pounds of french fries. Now I’ve hardly eaten fries in the last few months because A: They’re terrible for you, and B: If I’m gonna indulge, they better be really fucking good. I was a fry cook many years ago, and I hand sliced ginormous Idaho potatoes with a press that left them about a half inch square and deep fried them golden brown, then put some Paul Prudhomme Cajun seasoning on them. Now those were good fries. This place I tried Friday night for takeout, their fries were scrawny and soggy. It came with two small pieces of catfish, mediocre cornbread, and coleslaw that came in a little cup usually reserved for ketchup, which by the way, they didn’t give me for my fries, nor did they provide me with utensils. This was all for the low, low price of fifteen dollars. I will not be directly naming the place here, but PAT, I’m not giving you a thumbs down, I’m giving you the finger.

Back to those regional differences, there’s certain things that are just the best in some places. For instance, the New York Bagel. It is Epic! Massive, fluffy, chewy, and delicious. Now I understand why they traditionally don’t toast them, they’re just so good fresh. I’ve loved bagels for years, but I always had to toast them. I’ve been staying up the street from a place where they’re so good, I just buy one for a dollar and eat it while I walk down the street.

On the other hand, California Mexican food is way superior. Yes there are Mexican people in New York. But the Puerto Ricans, Hondurans, Dominicans, and Cubans have disrupted the mix to a point where some places are kind of a general latin type food place. I’ve had some decent tacos around, but I still haven’t found a classic place like the Golden Donut in Torrance. It was a bakery open at 6am that served 75 cent tacos after 11. Awesome.

What’s really been bugging me however is my coffee. Specifically how everyone wants to force me to put milk, or cream in my coffee. They never fill the thing to the top because it’s that “room for cream”. Guess what? I don’t want that cream. That’s why I drink good coffee. I don’t need to mask the taste with something else. That’s like going into a bar and ordering a Hennessy and coke. What’s the point? You’re ordering cognac and covering it up with a kid’s drink. That’s a rookie maneuver. If you order the good stuff, drink it straight. Otherwise, save some money and get brandy, or well whiskey. Don’t ever try and be a big shot and order nice liquor and then put it in with a hundred fruity flavors or some sugary cover up, it’s a waste.

So back to my coffee. My coworker goes on a coffee run and I order an Americano. That’s a shot or two of espresso and hot water. Made fresh, great coffee flavor. He comes back, I take I sip, and I nearly go ballistic. I’ve been working on two hours sleep. I want to enjoy some caffeine. And this tastes like some 3 day old truck stop coffee loaded with milk. We’re in the middle of a meeting so I try and stay cool, but I am going nuts thinking what part of “Americano, NO cream.” did he not understand. Is this some kind of New York thing? Later a guy told me he was selling pre-made coffee to stores, a terrible idea I think. But he says it’s for people on the go. Milk and sugar already included. I asked what about without? He said “You’re in the minority, cuz you’re outta luck, bub.”

Am I people? Am I the lone person on this planet who enjoys black coffee? Or is it an American thing? All that cream and sugar is why we’re becoming so fat. I can’t stand the thought of it. It’s like putting ketchup on your hot dog or mayo on your hamburger. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Two great tastes that don’t go great together. Hell, they aren’t even two great tastes.

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4 thoughts on “Who 2: Respect My Authoritah

  1. j says:

    “In the minority” for not wanting coffee to taste like sugar cream ass? Say it ain’t so! You can always add that crap to coffee, but you can never take it out. Maybe it’s a new thing to say: “Shit, I just got sugar and creamed!”
    A common and inconsiderate way to ruin a good cup of coffee. It’s like those who don’t care whether it’s real maple syrup or that nasty fake shit, or prefer the nasty fake shit.
    The only place cream and sugar (or condensed milk) is acceptable (by default) with coffee is Thai or Vietnamese coffee.
    Here’s a tip. Always carry a couple of those Starbucks Via dehydrated coffee packets with you. Not the worlds best cup of coffee, but very good to have in case of emergency. Just add water. Much better than that cup of liquid ass trash you were stuck with. It’s actually better tasting than you’d expect.

  2. Thank you. I’m not alone. Maybe still in the minority, but dammit we can be a vocal minority!

  3. Jenn says:

    O.K. try this one on for size: Two of the most heinous food items ever created; Miracle Whip and Bologna… I would never eat either one but for some strange reason I will eat them together 😉

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